Un-fucking-believeable.

I'm in fucking shock right now. Billy turned out to be some total douch-fuck-wad-scumb-sucking piece of shit. He was a total liar. He is a total scam artist. He stole money from me. He lied to me non stop. I can only thank God he was pulled over a few nights ago. TOTAL ASS FUCKING JERK OFF. He had warrants out for his arrest. He went to jail. His name wasn't even William Anderson it was William Abraham. FUCKING UNBELIEVABLE.

whirl wind

So Billy has been staying with me the past 4 or 5 days. It's been a lot of fun playing house with him. He's been helping me with work and I've been helping him chill out. I really have fallen head over heals for him. I can honesty say he's the closest thing to a best friend I have had in years. He really listens and wants to know me. I think it's safe to say I'm in love with this man. We hit a tension spot today and it made me sad that we were not seeing eye to eye. He went to watch the World Cup and I stayed home and took a nap, watched some tv and read a bit. He's down at the pool now. I sent him an email while he was watching the game...I'll post it below. Okay no other updates for the moment.

Hi baby.

So I feel like there’s a bit of tension between us and I don’t feel like
it needs to be this way. Making you feel uncomfortable in my home is the
last thing on earth I ever want. It really upsets me that you feel that
way. I know you are a words guy but words don’t always come the best for
me in the moment…I have to take a deep breath and think things through. I
have done so and this is what I’ve come up with.

I love you. I have fallen in love with you and with everyday I spend with
you I learn more about you and care for you more. I am vulnerable with
you. I feel like you could easily break my heart and there is nothing I
can do about that. You make comments about how you would never hurt
anyone intentionally but you would leave in an instant if you wanted to.
That scares me. That scares me a lot. So if one day you woke up and
weren’t feel us anymore you could just leave at the drop of a dime. You
say you don’t need to be in Florida that you don’t even really like
Florida. That makes the possibility of you leaving even more real because
you’re not happy with your environment. Scary. These thoughts make my
heart hurt and my head spin. I don’t think you realize when you say these
things that they upset me. They make me feel like I’m disposable. I know
in my heart that’s not you intention and that you do care for me…but when
there is tension around us like today it really freaks me out. So that
makes the tension even stronger because I don’t know if you are thinking
well maybe I should just bail and call it a loss now.

Okay it’s making me feel really bad thinking about all this. On to
another topic. I haven’t spent this much time with someone in years…true
statement. I love spending time with you I just ask that you bare with me
if I have a moment or two when I’m like I need to breath. I literally
just wanted to go out to the pool this morning that’s why I asked if you
were going now…I didn’t mean it to come off as I’m being rude or wanted
you out…quite the opposite. I wanted to go to the pool and read my book
next to you. I wanted to spend quiet time with you outside…you enjoying
the sun me enjoying my book and you. Yes, I was disappointed this morning
when Reese told me the baby had a fever and she wouldn’t make it to
Clearwater. If I took that out on you or my tone was off I apologize…I
probably should have taken an extra minute or two with myself before I
came out and started talking.

I’m not sure what I can do now to make this all better…I wish you wouldn’t
have assumed I was being an ass and just listened to me this morning.
Yes, last night I couldn’t sleep so I got up to read my book. I wasn’t
lying to you when I said I was fine…it wasn’t a major issue…I just felt
like I was being super clingy and needy and I don’t feel like that’s the
person I am (although my actions with you would suggest otherwise)…So I
guess until now this point in my life I have never been needy with anyone.
So I start thinking about it and I came up with I’m not sure anyone has
ever made me feel the way you make me feel. Beyond being comfortable and
happy with you I’m learning more about me. You are teaching me about
me…and for that I am grateful. By nature I think I am a people pleaser
and I don’t like to feel rejected (I know most people don’t like it but I
feel like it affects me in a different way than most…I take it personal).
Back to me being a people pleaser…until you when dating someone I’m
realizing now that they never really cared about me as a person and were
probably more in it for themselves…I say this because when you asked
what’s wrong and I said nothing I’m fine…until you the men I have dated
left it at that. They didn’t really care to find out what’s going on in
my head. This is my problem not yours. But I want you to understand why
I responded that way.

I am honest with you Billy. And I’m working everyday at being open…I know
for you being open is easy it’s your nature it’s who you are…Until you I
never really wanted to be open with anyone. I never really wanted to let
someone into my whole world. With you it’s different…I want you to know
everything about me. I want to know everything about you. I love that I
know what you’re thinking before you say it and I love that you know my
mannerisms. I can see a future with you. I actually dream at night about
years down the road with us. I think about all we can accomplish
together. I think about the experiences we can have together and the
stories you’ll be telling in the future about us. I don’t know if you
think about these things but this is a first for me.

As for the age thing...it's not an issue for me. I hope we don't make it
an issue. I am in love with you because of the man you are. I am in love
with your honesty. I am in love with you integrity. I am in love with
your heart. I am in love with your commitment to your family. I am in
love with your relationship with God (I know we don't see eye to eye on
this but I am open to letting God into my heart...I am open to learning
what there is to learn and experiencing all he has to offer...You are the
first person that has explained their relationship with God to me and it's
something I want in my life...but we can get into this at another time).
I am in love with your smile and the way you scrunch up your face when
you're cracking up. I am in love with the way you touch me when we're
sleeping (I really don't think I can put into words the way this makes me
feel). I really could go on all day with this.

I am in love with you. That’s what’s running through my mind right now.
I just wanted to put that out there. I don’t expect a response from you
right now or really anytime I just wanted you to know where my head is.
Every time I try to say these things in person I freeze…My head goes
blank. You make me nervous…in a good way…and yes there is a good
way…butterflies are usually involved…I get off track with my thinking when
I look you in the eyes.

Okay back to your game. :)

xo

Bill is in Chicago for the next week. Should be interesting how this works out. I miss him which is weird. I can't wait to see him when he gets back. He's on daddy duty.

Funny story...we were having dinner the other night and he was talking to the waitress about how Florida guys in their 40's are shacked up with these dumb young skanks who only want their money. She kind of paused and looked at us like we were nuts since I'm in my 20's and he's in his 40's. It was really funny. I mean if you just looked at us we look like an odd couple but we really are a great couple. We crack each other up. And we care for each other. I guess we need to get used to the looks.

I have a boyfriend.

True story. Bill is now my boyfriend. I'm pretty excited. I can't wait to see what's to come.